A Purely Factual Introduction to the Barge
Jan. 7th, 2024 10:51 pmWelcome to the Barge! Either that greeting has some meaning to you, or it doesn't. This helpful pamphlet is meant for everyone, no matter how much you might know. As the motto of the Barge says, 'we're always learning'. The friendly greeting is also probably meant for you but that's more open to interpretation. Please accept whatever degree of welcome you feel most comfortable with. For your convenience, this introduction is split into some of the most common questions you may have.
Who am I and Where am I?
These two questions have been the foundation for countless schools of philosophy, and even more nights spent talking about the big questions. I have always avoided philosophy on principle, but I'm happy to say that there's plenty of it widely available for those who enjoy pursuing knowledge of the self, or whatever you get up to in your free time.
The question 'who am I' is beyond my ability to answer. I might not even know your name! I can offer slightly more information on where you are. We're on a ship commonly called 'the Barge'. It doesn't much look like the barges I know, but I have a limited understanding of boats. It's run by a power multi-dimensional being that's called 'the Admiral'. This also doesn't feel entirely correct by my understanding of the word (further notes on why it seems incorrect count as more advanced questions), but I don't believe in judging people for whatever name they've chosen to go by.
The Barge could be called a combination of prison and afterlife, which might not mean much if you're not used to either. You've either been brought on board as a warden or an inmate. These are both broad categories and it's a shame to have generalize, but time saving measures are sometimes needed. You might not be sure which of these categories you fall into. Here's a quick way to find out:
1. Do you have suspiciously vague memories of meeting a person who, at the time, appeared trustworthy enough that you decided to sign on to the ship in the hope that they would grant you an unlimited wish in return for 'graduating' an inmate?
2. Do you have a sneaking suspicion you may have been killed and/or been on the verge of death and also don’t have memories of being told anything?
(I have been informed there's also 2a) where you're well aware that you're on the Barge as an inmate because the Admiral offered you the chance to graduate and return to life.)
If you answered one, you're a warden. If you answered two, you're probably an inmate or a warden who has suffered some unfortunate memory issues.
Either way, if you're on the ship it means the Admiral (the amazingly powerful multi-dimensional being referenced above) wanted you! The Admiral saw something in you and wanted to help &/or save you. How you feel about this is a personal matter. If you're a warden, it's likely that there's something that really matters to you on the line. Or it sounded interesting. If you're an inmate, you're here to find redemption.
What do you mean? I haven’t done anything that requires redemption.
Perhaps the first question you should ask is, what does redemption mean? This is an important question for both inmates and wardens. There are so many definitions, and so many different ways to understand your choices and the choices that have brought you here. You might not think you require redemption. Perhaps you haven't even found someone else who believes you require redemption. You might not even believe in the concept of redemption. While all of this is important to your personal journey, it's useful to remember that there are unlimited dimensions and there's no way of telling what the Admiral’s idea of ‘morality’ or 'redemption' might consist of. Have fun trying to figure it out!
Over time you might come to realize that you did require redemption. This may be due to personal growth. It could also be a sign of some sort of breakdown. Either way, it can offer hours of (some might say) potentially slightly repetitive debate. On the other hand, turnover rate is much quicker than you'd find in most prisons so it's probably new to someone. You'll probably also find yourself with an usual amount of free time on your hands.
What is the Barge like?
I'm glad you asked. An inquiring mind is a fine thing. Whether or not the Barge is actually a ship that flies through space is a question you might not want to think about too hard. For the purposes of this pamphlet, we'll take it at face value. It's a ship. It's pretty big. It's not that big (for more on this, go to the end and look under A few more quick answers. If you're a warden, you can get anywhere. If you're an inmate you can likely get almost anywhere if you ask the right person.
There is apparently a Warde conference room. I find this delightful.
Note, sabotage may relieve some feelings but can either feel ultimately pointless or led to topics that are filled under 'Admiral is a questionable choice for a name'.
I won't go into detail on the many wonders the ship has to offer. As mentioned above, you've likely found yourself with a lot of free time on your hand. You might be here a while, so you should get the chance to explore the ship on your own, without being shaped by other people's preconceptions. But I'd be failing in my duty if I didn't share some important notes:
• You will be given a cabin. Sometimes it will be terrible. The question of whether this is because the Admiral is simply plucking a memory out of your mind without too much thought or part of your path to a better future is another debate that can fill those hours. You can have it changed, either by asking the Admiral directly if you're a warden or by asking a warden. If you feel uncomfortable asking for things but can't stand your cabin, there are empty cabins. Other people may also be using those empty cabins. Any problems that result are your own business and no blame can be laid on this pamphlet.
• There is food. It is pretty good, generally. I'm afraid when I say that I'm only referring to food that's made for beings that can consume food meant for humans. Those of you with other dietary requirements (blood, unicorn tears, mock turtle eggs) will be taken care of but I can’t vouch for the quality. People work in the kitchens to produce this food. A thank you or other small token of appreciation likely wouldn't go amiss. There's no need to be rude.
• There’s an infirmary. There’s a chance you’ll need it at some point (for more on this look under What the hell was that?). Considering the turnover rate, no solid statements can be made about the staff. They’re likely to be competent enough in certain areas and probably don’t take any special joy in hurting people. No long term assurances can be made in good faith.
What the hell was that?
Shit happens. There is a subset of rather annoying people who like to say this, often as a way to get out of taking responsibility or giving a more helpful explanation. I can't promise I have a helpful explanation, but I am willing to try. As you may have noticed, events are named by nautical terms (I assume, again, my experience with ships has been mildly traumatizing and unfortunately unhelpful). There are three magical events that happen in an alternating pattern.
Floods: during a flood you may be turned into a tree or be force to speak only in lie or be replaced by an alternate dimension version of yourself who's a supervillain (those of you who are already supervillains will be replaced by versions of yourself who sell life insurance). They don't effect everybody and they don't necessarily effect the same people each time. These happen every other month ('month' as defined by an Earth calendar, you might want to check under A few more quick answers).
Breaches: during breaches you become part of a different universe (or at least believe that's what's happened). You will spend some time truly believe you were born and raised in that universe, with no idea of the Barge or your true world. Whether the fact that you will often run into other people from the Barge says anything is beyond me. You will likely believe you have some sort of connection with people you may feel very differently about 'normally'. What you do with this is up to you, perhaps because breaches aren't. These effect everyone.
Portsoverboard.
Sometimes because of these events, reaction to these events, or other interpersonal issues that can come up among people in an enclosed area, you may die. Then you come back. Death isn’t permanent on the barge; you just feel terrible for a week or so. This is good and bad news. Good news for people who prefer being alive, bad news for people who contemplate the fact they could be killed over and over with no escape and/or people who like killing as a way of permanently getting rid of someone. Repeated for emphasis: people don’t die permanently. Please keep this is mind when issuing threats. Failure to do so may lead to embarrassment.
How do I escape/leave?
Everyone's journey is their own. For those who want a broader overview, a quick rundown: if you're an inmate the only way to leave for certain is to 'graduate' (I don't know why it's 'graduation' rather than some ship phrase). This happens when you're redeemed, as mentioned above. Again, there is no clear, straightforward answer to what this means.
To help you ‘graduate’ you will be paired with a permanent warden who will be given a file detailing your entire life. Until then, you’ll be given a temporary warden every month who is given nothing except the pleasure of an excuse to talk to you.
A few more quick answers.
Q. Is it normal to get struck by an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia mixed with a vague, unsettled horror at being surrounded by the vastness of space? What about questions on the nature of reality?
A. Yes, falling to the floor and letting out a primal scream is generally considered slightly melodramatic, even if it shouldn't be.
Q. What's this Earth place people keep talking about?
A. You have my sympathy.
Q. What about that thing where people disappear or fall into comas about?
A. If you're asking that question, you're already beyond introductory materials.
Q. I’ve run into people who I thought were just fictional characters in my universe, what should I do?
A. It depends on whether or not you want to be polite.
Q. Are there cells?
A. Yes, they’re a little embarrassing. You even get to keep your communicator.
Q. What should I do if I'm killed?/Kill someone and now have to live with their return?
A. I don't believe there's a quick answer to that.
Q. Do you have any ‘little thoughts’ to share about the communicators?
A. There’s a special warden only filter. They probably don’t use it to talk about the inmates but they could.
Q. This seems to be directed a lot more for inmates than to wardens.
A. I’m not sure that technique counts as a question but I’ll imagine a questioning tone of voice. And you are correct. That’s because I’m not invited to the secret warden conferences and so can’t speak fully for them. Not that I’m say there are secret warden conferences but there could be. (Note to why I suspect there are not: more wardens would appear to have recently gotten into a physical fight)
Q. Was this supposed to be helpful?
A. Yes.
Who am I and Where am I?
These two questions have been the foundation for countless schools of philosophy, and even more nights spent talking about the big questions. I have always avoided philosophy on principle, but I'm happy to say that there's plenty of it widely available for those who enjoy pursuing knowledge of the self, or whatever you get up to in your free time.
The question 'who am I' is beyond my ability to answer. I might not even know your name! I can offer slightly more information on where you are. We're on a ship commonly called 'the Barge'. It doesn't much look like the barges I know, but I have a limited understanding of boats. It's run by a power multi-dimensional being that's called 'the Admiral'. This also doesn't feel entirely correct by my understanding of the word (further notes on why it seems incorrect count as more advanced questions), but I don't believe in judging people for whatever name they've chosen to go by.
The Barge could be called a combination of prison and afterlife, which might not mean much if you're not used to either. You've either been brought on board as a warden or an inmate. These are both broad categories and it's a shame to have generalize, but time saving measures are sometimes needed. You might not be sure which of these categories you fall into. Here's a quick way to find out:
1. Do you have suspiciously vague memories of meeting a person who, at the time, appeared trustworthy enough that you decided to sign on to the ship in the hope that they would grant you an unlimited wish in return for 'graduating' an inmate?
2. Do you have a sneaking suspicion you may have been killed and/or been on the verge of death and also don’t have memories of being told anything?
(I have been informed there's also 2a) where you're well aware that you're on the Barge as an inmate because the Admiral offered you the chance to graduate and return to life.)
If you answered one, you're a warden. If you answered two, you're probably an inmate or a warden who has suffered some unfortunate memory issues.
Either way, if you're on the ship it means the Admiral (the amazingly powerful multi-dimensional being referenced above) wanted you! The Admiral saw something in you and wanted to help &/or save you. How you feel about this is a personal matter. If you're a warden, it's likely that there's something that really matters to you on the line. Or it sounded interesting. If you're an inmate, you're here to find redemption.
What do you mean? I haven’t done anything that requires redemption.
Perhaps the first question you should ask is, what does redemption mean? This is an important question for both inmates and wardens. There are so many definitions, and so many different ways to understand your choices and the choices that have brought you here. You might not think you require redemption. Perhaps you haven't even found someone else who believes you require redemption. You might not even believe in the concept of redemption. While all of this is important to your personal journey, it's useful to remember that there are unlimited dimensions and there's no way of telling what the Admiral’s idea of ‘morality’ or 'redemption' might consist of. Have fun trying to figure it out!
Over time you might come to realize that you did require redemption. This may be due to personal growth. It could also be a sign of some sort of breakdown. Either way, it can offer hours of (some might say) potentially slightly repetitive debate. On the other hand, turnover rate is much quicker than you'd find in most prisons so it's probably new to someone. You'll probably also find yourself with an usual amount of free time on your hands.
What is the Barge like?
I'm glad you asked. An inquiring mind is a fine thing. Whether or not the Barge is actually a ship that flies through space is a question you might not want to think about too hard. For the purposes of this pamphlet, we'll take it at face value. It's a ship. It's pretty big. It's not that big (for more on this, go to the end and look under A few more quick answers. If you're a warden, you can get anywhere. If you're an inmate you can likely get almost anywhere if you ask the right person.
There is apparently a Warde conference room. I find this delightful.
Note, sabotage may relieve some feelings but can either feel ultimately pointless or led to topics that are filled under 'Admiral is a questionable choice for a name'.
I won't go into detail on the many wonders the ship has to offer. As mentioned above, you've likely found yourself with a lot of free time on your hand. You might be here a while, so you should get the chance to explore the ship on your own, without being shaped by other people's preconceptions. But I'd be failing in my duty if I didn't share some important notes:
• You will be given a cabin. Sometimes it will be terrible. The question of whether this is because the Admiral is simply plucking a memory out of your mind without too much thought or part of your path to a better future is another debate that can fill those hours. You can have it changed, either by asking the Admiral directly if you're a warden or by asking a warden. If you feel uncomfortable asking for things but can't stand your cabin, there are empty cabins. Other people may also be using those empty cabins. Any problems that result are your own business and no blame can be laid on this pamphlet.
• There is food. It is pretty good, generally. I'm afraid when I say that I'm only referring to food that's made for beings that can consume food meant for humans. Those of you with other dietary requirements (blood, unicorn tears, mock turtle eggs) will be taken care of but I can’t vouch for the quality. People work in the kitchens to produce this food. A thank you or other small token of appreciation likely wouldn't go amiss. There's no need to be rude.
• There’s an infirmary. There’s a chance you’ll need it at some point (for more on this look under What the hell was that?). Considering the turnover rate, no solid statements can be made about the staff. They’re likely to be competent enough in certain areas and probably don’t take any special joy in hurting people. No long term assurances can be made in good faith.
What the hell was that?
Shit happens. There is a subset of rather annoying people who like to say this, often as a way to get out of taking responsibility or giving a more helpful explanation. I can't promise I have a helpful explanation, but I am willing to try. As you may have noticed, events are named by nautical terms (I assume, again, my experience with ships has been mildly traumatizing and unfortunately unhelpful). There are three magical events that happen in an alternating pattern.
Floods: during a flood you may be turned into a tree or be force to speak only in lie or be replaced by an alternate dimension version of yourself who's a supervillain (those of you who are already supervillains will be replaced by versions of yourself who sell life insurance). They don't effect everybody and they don't necessarily effect the same people each time. These happen every other month ('month' as defined by an Earth calendar, you might want to check under A few more quick answers).
Breaches: during breaches you become part of a different universe (or at least believe that's what's happened). You will spend some time truly believe you were born and raised in that universe, with no idea of the Barge or your true world. Whether the fact that you will often run into other people from the Barge says anything is beyond me. You will likely believe you have some sort of connection with people you may feel very differently about 'normally'. What you do with this is up to you, perhaps because breaches aren't. These effect everyone.
Portsoverboard.
Sometimes because of these events, reaction to these events, or other interpersonal issues that can come up among people in an enclosed area, you may die. Then you come back. Death isn’t permanent on the barge; you just feel terrible for a week or so. This is good and bad news. Good news for people who prefer being alive, bad news for people who contemplate the fact they could be killed over and over with no escape and/or people who like killing as a way of permanently getting rid of someone. Repeated for emphasis: people don’t die permanently. Please keep this is mind when issuing threats. Failure to do so may lead to embarrassment.
How do I escape/leave?
Everyone's journey is their own. For those who want a broader overview, a quick rundown: if you're an inmate the only way to leave for certain is to 'graduate' (I don't know why it's 'graduation' rather than some ship phrase). This happens when you're redeemed, as mentioned above. Again, there is no clear, straightforward answer to what this means.
To help you ‘graduate’ you will be paired with a permanent warden who will be given a file detailing your entire life. Until then, you’ll be given a temporary warden every month who is given nothing except the pleasure of an excuse to talk to you.
A few more quick answers.
Q. Is it normal to get struck by an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia mixed with a vague, unsettled horror at being surrounded by the vastness of space? What about questions on the nature of reality?
A. Yes, falling to the floor and letting out a primal scream is generally considered slightly melodramatic, even if it shouldn't be.
Q. What's this Earth place people keep talking about?
A. You have my sympathy.
Q. What about that thing where people disappear or fall into comas about?
A. If you're asking that question, you're already beyond introductory materials.
Q. I’ve run into people who I thought were just fictional characters in my universe, what should I do?
A. It depends on whether or not you want to be polite.
Q. Are there cells?
A. Yes, they’re a little embarrassing. You even get to keep your communicator.
Q. What should I do if I'm killed?/Kill someone and now have to live with their return?
A. I don't believe there's a quick answer to that.
Q. Do you have any ‘little thoughts’ to share about the communicators?
A. There’s a special warden only filter. They probably don’t use it to talk about the inmates but they could.
Q. This seems to be directed a lot more for inmates than to wardens.
A. I’m not sure that technique counts as a question but I’ll imagine a questioning tone of voice. And you are correct. That’s because I’m not invited to the secret warden conferences and so can’t speak fully for them. Not that I’m say there are secret warden conferences but there could be. (Note to why I suspect there are not: more wardens would appear to have recently gotten into a physical fight)
Q. Was this supposed to be helpful?
A. Yes.